もったいない

I worked all weekend and now have the privilege of a day off. I decided to go to the ear doctor to see about my tinnitus, which has been bothering me for a few months but I thought would clear up. Because I am dumb. And busy. And time deficient. But mainly dumb.

I was prescribed steroids and a bunch of medicine to counteract the side effects of the steroids. The idea is that I have a circulation problem and the steroids are to reduce inflammation and help any blockages pass along. Next week, I am likely going to have an MRI scan.

I have never gone to the doctor and had my worst fears confirmed. My hearing loss is not due to my ear being damaged but due to something greater. Once that is resolved, then most likely my hearing will recover. It is possible that I will always have a little deafness in that ear.

I turn forty this year. I am reasonably healthy, active, not skinny but still fit. And yet now I have to consider the possibility that there is something not working with my body. Something that could make my body not work permanently.

I know that everything is too early to predict but seriously, all I can think about are my kids. My kids and my writing. Which are in many ways combined.

Last week, I began my memoir. More like a non-fiction novel. Think Knausgaard’s My Struggle. I am trying to answer the question: why and how Japan. I want my kids can see the true (as possible) story of my existence so that they can understand their origin story and decide their own next chapters.

I have wasted so much time, worrying about bullshit and bad people. People who are not bad in and of themselves but who are bad for me.

Whatever is wrong with me, I will do my best to overcome it but I want to express my gratitude (in an attempt to balance the anxiety) for this laser beam of focus that I now possess. We take tomorrow for granted. Such a cliche and yet since you are awarded them day after day, you tend to just assume they are infinite in quantity. If I have a blood clot that is affecting my hearing, it is possible it is in my brain or that there is a circulation issue in my brain. I need my brain. I like my brain. I love it, in fact.

It is time I prioritize what matters and toss everything else. I am guilty of being a time waster but I must overcome that and deal with the gravity of these possibilities.