東風解凍

Harukaze kōri o tokuEast wind melts the ice

So many sentences begun in my head but little motivation to finish them on paper.

Is it a lack of motivation, this foggy ambivalence? Or just an acceptance that because everything matters, then nothing in particular matters?

Before I arrived at this state of being, I had other plans. Not just to write, because writing is just something that has always been my way of interacting with my life. No, I had specific plans. I drew them on copy paper and cherished hopes long after they dimmed to nothingness. A farm, small scale but flourishing. Goats and chickens and bees, a few friendly dogs running amuck, kittens in the spring, maybe even a horse. A huge garden, a swimming hole with fish for catching. A path that leads to my writing cabin. A house big enough for everyone and a long wooden table in the yard for family, friends, and neighbors to come by for our big weekly dinner.

And a boat, a 40-foot blue water boat to sail around the world, slowly, writing and drifting and just being. Swimming and drawing.

Very specific dreams, easy to visualize. Even now as I pull them up in my mind, I feel almost nostalgic for a life that never occurred. And yet I don’t feel the attachment to that future any longer, or any future for that matter. I exist in this present and very near future and very near past. This region of time is where I am and where I must thrive. Is this simply a sign of aging, of accepting that the meter is running out of minutes? Perhaps but it is not as negative as assumed.

Over these past few years, I have come to accept the path under my feet, even if it is rocky and steep. And in doing so, I relinquished the weight of rejection and dissatisfaction.

And yet, I must fight complacency. I must rally against slothfulness and lowered expectations; I must resist Netflix.

Today, dear reader, I am starting the big project. The book. I spent the morning at my youngest’s recital. I am going to do an hour’s worth of chores then I am heading to the FamilyMart’s cozy eat-in section where I will begin the chronicle of my life in Japan. And then we’ll see if that helps to melt the ice.